After a decade of ownership, trust me, I get it. My car is hilarious, unique and old. But with summer here and therefore, my baby out of storage and on the streets, I feel it is time to lay down some ground rules once and for all.

Since I cannot speak directly to the people who honk, stare, wave, gesture, etc. to me when I'm driving, I will state it here.

How to interact with a womyn who drives a classic car: 

1- I am a HUGE car enthusiast and I love other car enthusiasts. I LOVE my car. In an unhealthy, should probably do the 12 steps, kinda way. So, I am totally down with you coming up to my while I'm pumping gas or putting groceries in my car to say "Hey, nice car!" and so on. Bring it on.

2- On that note, however, once and for all: IT IS A 1974, YES IT IS MINE and NO IT IS NOT FOR SALE and YES, I KNOW YOU USED TO HAVE ONE BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THE FRIGGIN' WORLD USED TO HAVE ONE. THEY WERE LIKE CAVALIERS AT ONE POINT: EVERYBODY DROVE ONE. This is not news to me.

3- Although my car and I break certain rules of decency and social norms, I did not give up my common sense when I picked up the keys. This means that when you are a big hairy old man who pulls up beside me, window rolled down, asking me to pull over, "Just to chat about the car", I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT.

4- Similarly, if you are driving a cab and you follow me for FOUR BLOCKS and cut off 3 PEOPLE to wave at me, once I wave back, YOU CAN STOP FOLLOWING ME. It is obviously no longer about waving and yes, I am creeped out. (Hypothetical situation, of course...)

5- If you are so offended by my car, leaving a note on my car that says "FUCKING FEMINAZI" with the Nazi symbol, "I have an idea for a bumper sticker: I'm an idiot" or "After feminism, you'd think they'd have the decency to flush" (with the F in feminism being a Nazi symbol) makes YOU look like an asshole. Not me. (Don't even ask me about the toilet flushing one. I'm still trying to figure that one out).

6- Thank you to those of you who are well meaning and leave notes on my car saying that if I need parts, call me at such and such or "We'd like to buy your car, if interested call...". I have my own parts dealer and see #2 about the selling.

7- No, you may not punch me when you see my car. I am exempt. I am, however, a huge supporter of children doing it to each other. Adults included here as well.

8- I realize that when you're in traffic and you see my car, you might get a little excited. So excited that you're really not sure what to do/say. A thumbs up is a common one and I roll with it. So is a peace sign or a general "NICE CAR"! Yelling "SHE'S OLD, EH?" however, makes you look strange but isn't terrible. Crossing a bajillion lanes of traffic without signalling to simply get up in face while I'm driving, however is pretty dangerous. Don't do that.

9- When I'm DRIVING the car and a man is SITTING in the passenger seat, it's NOT OKAY to talk to HIM about the car. I know I have boobies but that doesn't mean I'm vehicularly illiterate. This may blow your mind, but chicks can drive and hell, OWN cars of their own. Even old ones. I know. One more point to feminism.

10- The year I got my car is the same year that I got a digital camera. At the time, the car was old and the camera was very new. Now, the car is older and digital cameras are ubiquitous. Which means that people are taking pictures of shit all the time, everywhere. Which includes budding street photographers and/or citizen journalists. But when you are blatantly taking a picture of me, don't give me a dirty look or look so surprised when I wave to acknowledge "Hey asshat, I see you!"

This may blow your mind, but THERE IS IN FACT SOMEONE DRIVING THAT CAR. Truth talk.

11- I know you think you're really clever when you yell out "HERBIE" but her name is June. Herbie had a 53 painted on the side, asshole.

12- Just because June is old and has quite a few cancer spots (read: rust) and just because I have aforementioned boobies, does not mean that you can come up to me to chat about my car and randomly start opening up the door to look inside or try to open up the trunk. Do I walk by your place and say "Wow, nice house" and let myself in to use the toilet?

and finally...

13- Do not charge me for a part my car does not have or bullshit me on pricing because I'm a lady who drives an old car. I will know and I will hunt you down.

Thank you.